The rough days...

Tuesday 9/22-
I recently deleted all social media apps from my phone. I was trying to capture more time in my day and it has worked. I did not really miss it until today. When I had a rough day before I would go back and look at my FB posts and since I only posted the happy things it would cheer me up. Today I will try something different. I will try writing about the rough day and all the fears that came with it. For the most part it is never easy to get E to the car after school. A 5 minute walk turns into a 45 minute event. E leads us through the Armstrong garden, playground, takes a lap around the empty field and checks to see if Georgia, the lab, is out in her backyard. Then we finally walk a short distance to the car. Stopping along the way to put a leaf on Ms Jones car for her, touch the red brick fence, see if the "polar bear house" dog named Macy is in the window and finally arrive at our car.
Today that was not what happened. Today E was erratic after dismissal but went to the garden and then the playground. I knew something was wrong because he was almost panicked. We walked to the playground and he played and then he was ready to go. He started to go to the field then switched to go check on Georgia, but as we made our way to the car E fell apart. It was not a slow process. He literally fell to the ground and started kicking and screaming. I could not get him to tell me what was wrong. I saw the yard crew with a blower but it was pretty far away. At this point I felt like a giant spotlight was on me and E. I did not dare look up because then I would see just how many people were staring. There was a football practice on one field, a playground full of children and several on lookers that stopped their car. One person even came out of her house! That has happened before and it was not even the same person. I was sweating and whispering trying to get E to comply and go to the car. Earlier, right before this started we saw Ms Jones and Ms Kilgore. I thought we would make it to the car ok, so I told them we were fine. I was really wishing I had not said that. Maybe I jinxed us!
I had to leave E's backpack and get him secured in the car for his own safety. Once I did that I went to retrieve the back pack. E was still upset but we made it home in the garage safely. I told him he needed to go to his room to calm down. After E was in his room and I knew he was safe I lost it. I cried tears of sadness and fear. Sad I was unable to reach him and end the behavior before it escalated. Afraid of what might happen if I could not keep him safe or I was not here to keep him safe. It's so hard!!! Who would love him and take care of him? If I can't reach him how can I expect anyone else to? I know him best and I cannot reach him.
Some parents worry about highschool, college and planning a wedding. I worry about who will help E when I am gone. An even bigger fear I have is living through the death of another child. I think that is why I hyper focus on E's safety. Porters death is still so hard for me to bare. The thing that keeps me going is after losing Porter is that E needs me. Without E needing me I am not sure how I would keep going. There is such a deep hole in your heart when you lose a child. It never goes away. You just learn to live with it. I am not the same person I was before Porter died. Before Porters death, bad things only happened to people on the news or in a movie. They did not really happen in my life. I had lost grandparents and a few friends but none of those losses prepared me for the pain of losing a child.
Thursday 9/24-
I waited to post this entry so I could end on a happy note. Since Tuesday I have emailed with numerous teachers at E school and they all said E was having trouble complying with requests. This was so helpful because it gave me a basis for his behavior after school that day. Wednesday went better at school but his 30 min after school speech session at home did not go well. Today he was aloud to take as much time as he wanted to get to the car. It took over and hour but he was happy and we had a great night.