Porter would be 17...

There is another bday coming to celebrate without our sweet Porter. The years keep going by and yet I seem to still feel the emptiness and loss of his presence. Time does not heal all wounds but you do learn to live with the hurt and loss. You get used to the feeling and sometimes there are even days that I don't still cry over our loss. I will never stop wanting to see him again or wish he was here still with us. I have read about other parents that lost a child. There are so many of us in this situation. Some lost a young or unborn child and others an older or maybe an adult child. It's not a group I ever thought I would be in but one I have come to greatly admire. Some parents have started foundations, charities and doing great things in the name of their lost child. I am not there yet and I may never be there. I do know that the death of my first born son changed me. I am not the same person I was before he died. I make it a point to slow down and enjoy moments with E. Many times I was too focused on everyday tasks like laundry or work. I would give anything to have just one moment of that wasted time back. I no longer seem to relax. Once something like this happens to you the realization that terrible things do happen sets in. You begin to understand we have little to no control over many things in this world. It's very difficult not to think that something so traumatic is going to happen again. As a defense I find myself constantly trying to prepare for the unknown. This makes the slowing down part very tough. I have to really work to relax and if you have to work at it, maybe it's not really relaxing. I cherish every moment I have with my family. I always did but now it's so much more special. I don't spend anytime on unimportant things. My most valued possession is my time. I only spend it with those I truly care about. ❤️