E is sick

I know in my head, logically speaking, that kids get sick. Then they get better. In my heart, I know the pain of losing a child and it is very hard not to go to that scary dark place when E is really sick like he is right now. We had to switch to a new dr because our other dr moved out to Midloathian. This new dr is a wonderful person and I know her on a personal level as well. I took E to her and she thinks he likely has a virus. Our previous dr would have given us antibiotics anyway. I am trying to wait like our new dr said. Without blood work there is no real way to know and blood work for E would be far too traumatic. Plus the waiting for results. I have been very stressed the past 48 hours worrying about E. He hardly ate or drank Thursday. He did better today. I have been vigilant with the breathing treatments, and given ibuprofen as needed. After a dose, E perks up and seems to feel better. He is still very congested, but at the dr exam Thursday his ears and chest were clear. He did have fever. Sounds like I am doing everything right, but I feel awful. Once something bad happens to you, the kind of life changing real bad thing, like losing a child, you are forever changed. The possibility that your child might not recover is all too real. You over react at illnesses. You cry and stress constantly while your child is sick. You even revisit all the things that happened before with the child you lost, just so you can be sure not to make those mistakes again. Well maybe you don't do those things, but I do. I did not realize until tonight just how large a trigger E being sick was for me. I am doubting my caregiving skills. Worried he should have antibiotics, worried even if he has them, he won't get better. Just when I think, it's been years since Porter died. 8 years and 7 mths, surely I have learned to live with this loss by now. It's times like this I realize I have not learned to live with it. You never fully learn to live with a loss so life changing. You get along through the days. Maybe you have weeks or months where you don't cry, but it's always there. The hole left in your heart in your life, in your world. It does not matter whether E gets antibiotics or not. Until he is 100% better I will worry and be stressed. I think all parents feel the same way. Sometimes just writing my feelings in this blog make them easier to endure. I have tried everything else in the past 48 hours. Hopefully facing and writing my fears will give me some relief and E will feel better soon.

E's turning 9!

In a little over a week E will be 9. This is a blessing, but also makes me sad at the same time. E will now be 2 years older than his older brother Porter ever was. It's difficult to explain how there are certain times of the year, certain dates on the calendar that take me right back to the day Porter died. I find myself trapped in that day. Reliving every last moment, decision and very last minute I spent with Porter. I get stuck there for a while. I know it's not a place I want to stay in and I cannot stay there. E needs me now and will for a very long time. It's just so hard not to mourn the birthdays I missed celebrating with Porter as we celebrate them with E. I find myself worrying non stop about E's safety and well being. I even kept E home from school one day this week to take him to the dr just to be sure he was ok. His behavior had been rough at home and school so I thought something could be wrong. He was physically fine. I think our new pediatrician may think I am crazy because he has been fine the last few times I took him in.  I also tend to go way overboard on E's parties. It's just a small family and very few close friends party. I think I over plan because I  am celebrating E current birthday and Porters birthdays I missed at the same time. I did veto a magarita machine my hub wanted to rent, but I have a giant slide coming, a huge balloon number 9 coming, custom take home E cookies for party favors... A little much for just a little family bday party. I am hoping that now after I have blogged about this I will be able to move on from the sadness I feel and be able to celebrate my crazy, but sweet E's birthday tomorrow at his little party. I am hoping the empty feeling and hole in my heart I feel every day over my sweet Porter being gone will shrink back to the manageable size it usually is and not the gaping hole it feels like today.