E's turning 9!

In a little over a week E will be 9. This is a blessing, but also makes me sad at the same time. E will now be 2 years older than his older brother Porter ever was. It's difficult to explain how there are certain times of the year, certain dates on the calendar that take me right back to the day Porter died. I find myself trapped in that day. Reliving every last moment, decision and very last minute I spent with Porter. I get stuck there for a while. I know it's not a place I want to stay in and I cannot stay there. E needs me now and will for a very long time. It's just so hard not to mourn the birthdays I missed celebrating with Porter as we celebrate them with E. I find myself worrying non stop about E's safety and well being. I even kept E home from school one day this week to take him to the dr just to be sure he was ok. His behavior had been rough at home and school so I thought something could be wrong. He was physically fine. I think our new pediatrician may think I am crazy because he has been fine the last few times I took him in.  I also tend to go way overboard on E's parties. It's just a small family and very few close friends party. I think I over plan because I  am celebrating E current birthday and Porters birthdays I missed at the same time. I did veto a magarita machine my hub wanted to rent, but I have a giant slide coming, a huge balloon number 9 coming, custom take home E cookies for party favors... A little much for just a little family bday party. I am hoping that now after I have blogged about this I will be able to move on from the sadness I feel and be able to celebrate my crazy, but sweet E's birthday tomorrow at his little party. I am hoping the empty feeling and hole in my heart I feel every day over my sweet Porter being gone will shrink back to the manageable size it usually is and not the gaping hole it feels like today.