Loving Life because we have it

I am not sure why, but lately there have been several reminders of just how precious life really is and how quickly it can change. This time of year is always difficult as the anniversary of Porters death approaches. In addition to that, this year Nicole passed away. She had her stroke in 2004, so at that time we grieved for the loss of who she was and began to accept who she had become. Now we must accept the fact she is completely gone and grieve the loss of her passing. A reminder of we don't know when the last time we will see someone will occur. Our last chance to tell a person how we feel or to make a special memory with them. I am not the same person I was before Porter died. There is something life changing about seeing someone die and when it is your child it is very life profound change. I used to get vey upset about many things. I used to yell and react quickly to situations. Once something is said you cannot unsay it. Once something is done you cannot undo it. We must live with the choices we make, so I take time and make them more carefully now. I realize time and people you chose to spend it with are the most important choices you will ever make. I am not afraid to accept help as I need it often with E. I surround myself with people that love and care for us in a very real and genuine way. I put my family first as they are my reason for living. I know I am not perfect, but I try very hard to learn from my mistakes. Since the middle of January I have really been missing Porter. I know E is aware and he has been pointing to photos of him lately as he has seen me crying. E was sick last week for 3 days during which I was very concerned he would not get better. I know the pain of a child not getting better and so it is difficult not to go there mentally during times of stress. E did get better. His behavior has continued to be a problem since mid January. Behaviors that were gone have reappeared. He is running away again. I cannot figure out why, but it is very scary. He did this at school and they had to send home a form to let me know they had to "restrain" him as he almost made it to the street. I saw him as it was at dismissal and I am forever thankful they caught him because I could not. He is very fast. Many cars were around and he would not have been seen very easily as he was running out in between them. Life could have changed in that moment in a very bad way. It has become increasingly difficult to get E from our house to the car and from the car into school. Leaving school and getting to our car has also become a very scary process. E is fast and weighs around 45 pounds. This combination makes it difficult for me to "help" him to the car as I have in the past. Our "side shows" during car line have become quite frequent. There has been more than one day I have come into the house and put E in his room to calm down safely and gone to my room only to collapse into a crying mess to the point of vomiting. I have almost mastered the art of holding in my emotions when it comes to E. I no longer yell at get upset, but that comes at a price. A very real physical price in the form of headaches and upset stomach and other physical symptoms of what happen when you suppress emotions. Today was a surprising much needed good day with E. We went to the mall on this cold and wet day to meet Ms Erin to practice public behavior. I was expecting it to go very bad as the past few days had and then something wonderful happened. It went great. E was loud and people starred, some smiling and others trying to figure him out, but he was happy. He was so very excited to be there and see all his fav things. He did not run away. He ate his dinner in the food court and chose a cookie for a treat after. He said hello and good bye to all his favorite things and it was so wonderful. It was a sharp contrast to 2 days earlier when we were in a random front yard while E kicked and hit me and a passerby stopped to see if I needed help. Today was a good day. A great day. I am trying very hard to love life, just because we have it. Days like today make that very easy.

Power Stuggle

Post Written 1/20/15
I am fairly certain the latest round of behaviors from E are due to the fact he was outted on how independent he is at school on pottying. We have made little to no progress at home, yet I send him to school in regular underwear and he comes home dry. Since we go to the playground after school and he gets excited there, I ask the school to put on a pull up over the underwear until we get home. Until last Friday, when we got home he just has a pull up on and that was that. Last Friday I went to observe potty time and come to find out that stinker has been independently pottying for some time. They do tell him when to go and then he goes. I decided if he can do this at school, then it can happen at home. E seems to have other ideas. I have set an alarm for every 2 hours and I make him go to potty. He agrees to go, but he is letting me know this comes at a price. He has started to pour water all over the carpet upstairs again. Run from me when I pick him up at school and completely ignore me when I tell him it's time to leave the playground after school. Yes, this potty training is coming at a very big price. Countless other battles are reappearing that were long gone. Power struggle.

Life can be scary

Post written 10-14-14
When you are young, you never realize just how very scary life can be. If you are lucky, it's not something you find out until much later in life. I found out on 2/24/2006 just how scary mine can get. We had taken our first son Porter in for a routine heart cath procedure. We were assured there were no risks and he would be back at school Monday. It was a Friday and Porter would never be back at school or home ever again. When you hold your child for the first time there is such happiness. When you hold your child for the last time there is a deep sadness that never ever leaves.
I cannot change what happened, but I can never ever make the same mistake again. The mistake I made was listening to a healthcare professional over my gut. My mommy instinct. I knew there was something not right. I had rescheduled this procedure once already. I tried again, but our dr said he needed it. He had no symptoms that I could see. I listened to the doctors. We took Porter for the procedure. He died.
Now it's 2014 and Ebola is here. It's not only here but a parent at E's school thinks it fine to be in an apartment of quarantine people before it's been decontaminated with no protective clothing. That's not fine with me. I will not make the same mistake twice. My mommy instinct says wait 21 days. Guess where E has been since this started... Even before Mr Duncan died... At home.